Death is not an option Wednesday: the carpet matches the drapes

I just felt like being gross.

I owe this week's matchup to ChickenGrrl. I'd mentioned one of these delicious fellows to her a couple of weeks ago, and she helpfully emailed me the perfect opponent, knowing I haven't had much time to think about these matters.

Since I didn't create the matchup entirely on my own, I'll go ahead and answer it, too. In a minute. You may have noticed I generally avoid doing that. :-)

Here are some videos of these two luscious redheads ripe for your plucking. And I do mean ripe, brother.

Here's Alan Kalter, doing what he does best; being really, really creepy.

And here's David Caruso, doing, well, the same thing.

The difference is that Kalter is funny, and Caruso is not. Also, Kalter varies his speech pattern and intonation. So he gets the nod from me over ol' One Expression David. Truthfully, anyone, nay, everyone, would. So it's not a fair match, to me, but I liked the parallel line.

Death is not an option Wednesday: yes but no edition

I wanted a breath of fresh air, with people who are talented and amusing instead of tiresome and/or too weird to contemplate. I like both these guys, more and more as time passes.

Yet, no.

Both are Jewish actors, both have a really sly and smart sense of humor, and both are men I'd never want to sleep with. How about you?

You can see a Belzervision video here, and one featuring Henry Winkler here.

I really wanted to do Larry King with somebody. But I keep showing these really old guys, and also I couldn't decide on a suitable matchup. Consensus around here was that people would even take Jay Leno over him if it came down to it. So here's a bonus question:

You could save the world from aliens/terrorists/an asteroid by sleeping with Larry King. Would you?

Death is not an option--monkey cousin edition

Taking a slightly different path this week.

Here are two men who have sometimes been considered sexy, handsome, and desirable. Personally, I have always thought of them both as chimp-like.

If you're a man of less-than-average height, I'm not necessarily looking down on you, literally or figuratively. :-) It's how you wear your height that determines whether anyone even considers that part of your personality. Some people wear their short stature well, others make the rest of us want to inject them with a heavy sedative.

But it's not only the height-personality aspect that I find unpleasant about these two characters, nor is it that they probably both secretly have their backs waxed. It's not as if anyone can really do much about their inherited genetic characteristics.

It's really that we can all think about how not to be so gosh-darned annoying, wearing out the public eye and its taste for celebrity antics, and yet some people have to have this explained to them, apparently, only no one bothered until it was too late. Nearly a year after the latest fuss about both these two has subsided, I still can't stand the sight of either one of them.

And they'll be back. People will pay $9.50 per ticket for the privilege of seeing them attempt to act larger than life, to prance around, troll-like, on a big movie screen, commiting acts of daring with villains and emotionally-scarred females alike. They will appear on magazine covers again, with headlines like "Does He Still Have It?" and "Recapturing Box-office Gold?" Frankly, I'd like to hope the answer is "no," as I loathe both studied sincerity and studied righteousness, but liking to hope and daring to hope are two very different operations.

I'm aware that there are people who find neither of these characters repulsive, who are happily looking forward to their next features, and who would happily entertain the idea of--entertaining one or the other or both in an intimate setting. We all have different ways of viewing life, and that's what keeps it interesting, they say. I'm looking forward to your answers, either way.

Oh--I got bored of women this week. If you have the need, pick one of those chain-smoking 94 pound celebutards, and tell me why I shouldn't mock you ruthlessly for your choice.

Death is not an option Wednesday: octogenarian edition

I know there should be more chick pairs, but honestly, there just aren't as many gross or weird ones.


Bob Barker, who just might eat you,

or Dick Van Dyke, who once sang "It's a jolly holiday for Mary?"
For the bonus question,

Bea Arthur or Phyllis Diller?

By the way, never look up Google Images of Bea Arthur without SafeSearch turned on.

DINAO Wednesday (ginger kid/former child star edition)

It's interesting to me that no matter how sort of very grotesque I think someone is, one or more of you can think of a reason why sleeping with them would actually be entertaining or even good for humanity.

I think that's pretty cool. And it also explains how some people get to procreate when you think, at first knowledge of them, that this might not be possible. 

Two scenarios this week. First, understand that I do actually love red hair. But there are times when it can be abused.

Someone already did the work for me, putting these two side by side:

Carrot Top or Danny Bonaduce?

Second, who would you choose from this list with whom you'd start repopulating post-apocalyptic society, and why? Death is not an option! And gender/sexuality doesn't count, because this is a game. Click here for more information about them.

Dustin Diamond
Gary Coleman
Leif Garrett
Maccauley Culkin
Ashley Olsen
Mary Kate Olsen
Butch Patrick
Danny Pintauro
Kristy MacNichol

Okay, I've replaced Todd Bridges with Gary Coleman, because they were on the same show, but while Bridges has distinguished himself, post-prison term, Coleman just has made a career out of going around being ill-tempered and whiny. If you already picked Todd Bridges, you can still have him, though.

Death is not an option Wednesday

I don't know if you'd call these two characters who would make you rather face death. I mean, there could be a lot worse. But the face-off between them amuses me.

Who would you choose, Jerry or Maury? Would they talk at you the whole time? Are there real discernable differences between the two? Is the use of Botox a factor in your decision?

new feature: Death is not an option Wednesday

These are the rules. Generally it will be men, sometimes women, sometimes they'll be dead already and we're pretending they're not. Sometimes they'll be fictional characters. Sometimes you may be too young or too old to know them well, but too bad. Pick one and tell me (us) why.

If you want to play, you don't get to play gender bias. I am as heterosexual as those charts will allow anyone to go, but I believe in making a fun game. So if they're not your type, parts-wise, find other ways to decide who you'd choose, because...

Death is not an option.

Let's start with a tough one. :-)